Today's Random Depictions of Jesus

Super Space Defender Jesus:


Backwards Crucifix Rocket Jesus:

"O Lord, protect this Rocket-house
And all who may dwell within the Rocket-house."
-- Homer Simpson, "Mountain of Madness"

Frosted Nightlight Jesus:


Boob-secured Beaded Jesus:


Steel Raptor Terror Jesus:


Creamsicle Sunset Rifle Jesus:


Bloody Bear-slaying Forgiveness Jesus:

Restoring that Beautiful Copper Tone

Why don't we charter a C-130 to dump a few million gallons of Tarn-X on the Statue of Liberty? Think of all the shiny copper goodness.

And it would only cost $480 million.*

*($5.00/12 oz. Tarn-X)(8 oz. Tarn-X/ft.²)(144M ft.²) + ($4600/hour C-130)(1 hour C-130)
= ($66.67/gal. Tarn-X)(7.2M gal. Tarn-X) + $4600
= $480M + $4600
= $480M

The Captain's Cookbook, Part II

Ladies and Gentle Ben, it's once again time for...

THE CAPTAIN'S COOKBOOK
Applying a Services Oriented Architecture to Culinary Design Problems

Holy Hellfire Tacos
Prep time: 5 minutes (more if you like to rub spicy stuff in your eyes)
Cooking time: 15-20 minutes

Ingredients:

• Approx. 1 pound ground turkey, beef, chicken, pork, or Soylent Green
• 8-12 whole wheat or corn tortillas
• 1 package Ortega (or Old El Paso) taco seasoning
• 1 small bottle Ortega (or Old El Paso) taco sauce (try the green chili sauce for kicks)
• 4 bell peppers of varying colors
• 1 yellow or white onion
• 1-2 habanero peppers (2 = you're f'in crazy)
• 1 block of sharp cheddar cheese
• 1 cucumber, and maybe some tomatoes
• Some amount of lettuce, baby spinach, or other roughage

Cooking Instructions:

1. In some sort of frying pan that can also be used as a weapon, brown the meat and drain whatever fat is left from the pan.
2. While that's going on, cut the onions and non-habanero peppers into whatever combination of slices, chunks, and cubes you find most aesthetically appealing and sautee them for a bit. Whenever you decide that they're done, set them aside.
3. When the meat's all set and/or the spirit moves you, stir in the contents of the Ortega taco seasoning packet into the pan along with whatever amount of water it tells you to add (3/4 cup?), and let it simmer (covered) for 5-10 minutes.
4. Meanwhile, carefully cut up the habanero peppers into little bits, but for the love of God do not touch your eyes or any other exposed membrane for the next 48 hours unless you feel like entering a massive and completely indestructible world of pain!!!!(I suppose you could wear gloves while you cut the peppers, but that's cheating.)
5. Dump the habanero peppers into the pan and let everything simmer for a few minutes more -- maybe chop up some of the cucumber or try to discover a new prime number while you wait -- and then shut off the burner.
6. Fill the tortillas with some combination of taco meat, sauteed veggies, shredded cheese, chopped cucumbers/tomatoes, and leafy greens. Finish with taco sauce.
7. If you discovered a new prime number in Step 5, you might want to write it down and show it to someone.

John Edwards' Political Career - R.I.P., 2008

I'm sure by now that the Internet is rife with pundits and bloggers sounding off about the extramarital affair that John Edwards had with one of his videographers in 2006, so I need not waste much time discussing how unfortunate an act this was, for both the man and for what he used to stand for in American politics. (All I can add are my deepest sympathies for my lovely B&B hostess in New Hampshire who, in late 2007, became so smitten with Edwards and his message after he held a get-together at her house that she actually decided to pay attention to politics for the first time in her life. That's gotta be one hell of a comedown.)

However, as the hour grows late, my eyelids grow heavy, and NBC's Olympics coverage lapses into reruns that are still labeled "LIVE" for some odd reason, I'd like to add the following two-pence on the Edwards topic by referencing a clip from the AP newswire:

Former campaign manager David Bonior said he was one of the thousands of friends and supporters that Edwards betrayed, and he shuddered when thinking about what might have happened had Edwards beaten Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama in the party's primaries.

"You can't lie in politics and expect to have people's confidence," he said.

My response: see Presidential Election, United States of America, 2004; results of.

Speaking Words of Wisdom

When you buy a book, most likely because you intend to read it, make sure that you remember that it is on your shelf after you place it there.

If you take a minute to look around, you will realize that most of the things in the universe are larger than you. Therefore, whenever you find yourself in doubt, assume that you are not fat.

Any musical composition can be enhanced by the addition of crash cymbals, tubular bells, and lightly-tapped bongo drums.

Every day presents a multitude of opportunities, and the most fruitful -- and challenging -- will often catch you by surprise. Be sure to enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right B, A, Start before taking them on.

If your state government allows it, keep your first set of license plates.

Avoid Scylla and Charybdis at all costs.

If you have an entrepreneurial mind, try to find a commercially-viable way to build a scale model of Crater Lake from a flooded football stadium. Optimize your business model to minimize operating costs and accidental drownings, and refer to the image at left when determining the correct placement of Wizard Island. The use of papier-mâché as a building material is not recommended, unless you are trying to decorate your habitat with gasoline-filled piñatas.

Most larger mammals are funnier on rocket-skates, especially grizzley bears.