"There are too many bears that have fallen into bottomless pits with trapezoidal openings.""The wheel upon which are all spinning -- it measures 392.7 meters across, even though Napolean's scientists incorrectly defined the meter as being 1/10,000,000th of the distance between the north pole and the equator, whereas nowadays it is simply defined as the length of the path travelled by light in vacuum during a time interval of 1/299,792,458 of a second. Morons."
"I was at peace with my current position in the space-time continuum, but then Locke let Ben move the island and now we're all randomly warping back and forth through time, occasionally suffering from a fatal nosebleed. Ah crap."
"When a child hunts for easter eggs, he or she does not expect the act of finding one to cause his or her basket to explode. Yet this happens all the time. Why?"
"1, 1, 2, 3, 5... Eureka! Awk! Pah-cuck!" (all birds speak chicken)
"You should get contacts because you can't see anything. I recommend a +1.25 for your right eye, and a link of hot italian sausage for your stomach."
"If cows could fly around and devour Billy Corgan, the world would become devoid of music that no one has listened to in over a decade."
"Sports teams playing each other is funny when the combination of the names of the participating teams and the result implies a balance of power that makes no sense in the natural world. For example: Eagles 27, Bears 3. In real life, it would be: Bears 4,398,186, Eagles 4."
"I am the Man in the Iron Mask, and I can shoot fireballs."
