How to Make a Speculative Documentary About the Apocalypse

Well, this week is Armageddon Week on the History Channel, and as the owner of a month-old plasma TV, that means it's time to watch a bunch of fiery, high-definition explosions bathe my living room in a hearty warm glow. The week's lineup includes an in-depth analysis (and CGI re-creation!) of the events depicted in the book of Revelation, and exposé on The Bible Code, and no fewer than thirty-seven treatments of Nostradamus' verses. As a child who kept the crushingly vacuous boredom of church at bay by reading the Book of Revelation over and over, I am So. There.

Now, you'd think that producing a show about Armageddon could carry a hefty price tag, what with all of the CGI artists you'd have to hire to animate a lamb with seven eyes and seven horns, gravely wounded and bleeding profusely "as It had been slain" (Revelation 5:6), not to mention the crazy Bacchaen woman riding the Beast with seven heads and ten horns. (I mean, there's a lot of careful decision-making involved when it comes to allocating the horns across the heads. Does each head get a horn? Which heads get more than one horn? For the heads with multiple horns, are the horns symmetrically arranged?) Alas, it is not so. In fact, just about any ol' Joe with a digital camcorder and an iBook can easily throw together their own end-of-days TV special by following these simple guiding principles:

1. Hire the most sinister-sounding narrator you can find. Test their worth by having them read Goodnight Moon and determining whether the child's head rotates a full 360 degrees in your mind.


2. Include several shots of a modern U.S. city being hit with one or more fiery projectiles streaking out of the sky. Limit the voiceover content to vague descriptions of "absolute destruction" and "complete chaos" -- do not attempt to describe which city it is, what the projectiles are, or what is generally going on.


3. Whenever you are filming something benign (e.g. some children playing Four Square), shake the camera violently to indicate that a massive earthquake is sweeping the entire planet as the Final Battle rages in the heavens.


4. Occasionally punctuate the narration with a random Bible verse (not necessarily one from the Book of Revelation or having anything to do with Armageddon), preferably voiced by a retired Shakespearean actor.
   
   "For where two or three are gathered in my name,
   there am I among them."
   -- Matthew 18:20
   Ensure that the verse appears on-screen as it is read. Use wet, hand-written ink on a yellowed scroll if you can.


5. Make at least one mention of Nostradamus, and show him to be an ominous-looking, age-worn man with a beard, a funny hat, and a crystal ball. Helpful hint: add pupil-less, glowing eyes for effect.
   
   


6. Ensure that the soundtrack features a full-bodied choir chanting something ominous in Latin, Sanskrit, or some other ancient language. If you are unable to translate a phrase such as "four the horseman blacken the sky and sunder the earth," Google the language of your choice in conjunction with the word "phrases" and use whatever result you get by clicking the I'm Feeling Lucky button.


7. Consult various subject-matter experts for their thoughts on the Book of Revelation, the current situation in the Middle East, nuclear arms races, and global warming, but do not mention or display their names, titles, or qualifications at any time.


8. If at any point you feel that you are running out of material, keep cutting back to the shot of the anonymous U.S. city getting blown up by unspecified fiery projectiles. Show this scene in slow-motion or with negative coloration to lend it a sense of variety.