The Captain's Cookbook, Part I

Lately, the ThongCharm ladies have made a habit of sharing with us some of their most interesting (experimental?) recipes and other culinary undertakings. Since imitation is the highest form of flattery, and since the universe requires some sort of counterbalance to their casually chaotic, quasi-artsy approach to food (lest everything collapse in a Big Crunch), I present to you, in the most somewhat-proud of manners:

THE CAPTAIN'S COOKBOOK
Applying a Services Oriented Architecture to Culinary Design Problems

For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of a Services Oriented Architecture, suffice it to mean that I shall be both agile and lazy.

Also, I hereby dub myself The Cesium Chef.

And now, for our first recipe.

Random Sweet & Spicy Chicken Meatball Lettuce Wraps
Prep time: 90 seconds
Cooking time: Whatever makes sense, but probably not too much

Ingredients:

• 1/2 package Costco Sweet & Sour Chicken Meatballs (if you wish, you may instead use Costco Buffalo Chicken Meatballs or Costco Teriyaki Chicken Meatballs)
• 1 can pineapple chunks in pineapple juice
• 1/2 pound baby carrots
• 1 bottle K.C. Masterpiece Spiced Caribbean Jerk 30-minute Marinade
• 1 cucumber
• 1 head of lettuce, of whatever type, as long as it doesn't have salmonella

Cooking Instructions:

1. In a fairly large skillet or saucepan, combine the bottle of marinade, half the contents of the can of pineapple (chunks + liquid), and the meatballs. Bring to a soft boil over medium heat, then cover and simmer for some arbitrary amount of time, stirring whenever the thought occurs to you.
2. Using whatever broke-ass knife you have, chop the baby carrots and cucumbers into various three-dimensional shapes that could fit into a sphere of volume 25π/9".
3. Fill each lettuce leaf with some combination of meatballs, carrots/cucumbers, and pineapple, but try not to include too much of the marinade because it's very likely that the meatballs already contain way too much sodium!!! Serve immediately.

Please note that I haven't actually sampled the results of this recipe yet, as it's still cooking. Wait. I haven't checked on the meatballs in like 37 minutes.