The Captain's Cookbook, Part II

Ladies and Gentle Ben, it's once again time for...

THE CAPTAIN'S COOKBOOK
Applying a Services Oriented Architecture to Culinary Design Problems

Holy Hellfire Tacos
Prep time: 5 minutes (more if you like to rub spicy stuff in your eyes)
Cooking time: 15-20 minutes

Ingredients:

• Approx. 1 pound ground turkey, beef, chicken, pork, or Soylent Green
• 8-12 whole wheat or corn tortillas
• 1 package Ortega (or Old El Paso) taco seasoning
• 1 small bottle Ortega (or Old El Paso) taco sauce (try the green chili sauce for kicks)
• 4 bell peppers of varying colors
• 1 yellow or white onion
• 1-2 habanero peppers (2 = you're f'in crazy)
• 1 block of sharp cheddar cheese
• 1 cucumber, and maybe some tomatoes
• Some amount of lettuce, baby spinach, or other roughage

Cooking Instructions:

1. In some sort of frying pan that can also be used as a weapon, brown the meat and drain whatever fat is left from the pan.
2. While that's going on, cut the onions and non-habanero peppers into whatever combination of slices, chunks, and cubes you find most aesthetically appealing and sautee them for a bit. Whenever you decide that they're done, set them aside.
3. When the meat's all set and/or the spirit moves you, stir in the contents of the Ortega taco seasoning packet into the pan along with whatever amount of water it tells you to add (3/4 cup?), and let it simmer (covered) for 5-10 minutes.
4. Meanwhile, carefully cut up the habanero peppers into little bits, but for the love of God do not touch your eyes or any other exposed membrane for the next 48 hours unless you feel like entering a massive and completely indestructible world of pain!!!!(I suppose you could wear gloves while you cut the peppers, but that's cheating.)
5. Dump the habanero peppers into the pan and let everything simmer for a few minutes more -- maybe chop up some of the cucumber or try to discover a new prime number while you wait -- and then shut off the burner.
6. Fill the tortillas with some combination of taco meat, sauteed veggies, shredded cheese, chopped cucumbers/tomatoes, and leafy greens. Finish with taco sauce.
7. If you discovered a new prime number in Step 5, you might want to write it down and show it to someone.

The Captain's Cookbook, Part I

Lately, the ThongCharm ladies have made a habit of sharing with us some of their most interesting (experimental?) recipes and other culinary undertakings. Since imitation is the highest form of flattery, and since the universe requires some sort of counterbalance to their casually chaotic, quasi-artsy approach to food (lest everything collapse in a Big Crunch), I present to you, in the most somewhat-proud of manners:

THE CAPTAIN'S COOKBOOK
Applying a Services Oriented Architecture to Culinary Design Problems

For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of a Services Oriented Architecture, suffice it to mean that I shall be both agile and lazy.

Also, I hereby dub myself The Cesium Chef.

And now, for our first recipe.

Random Sweet & Spicy Chicken Meatball Lettuce Wraps
Prep time: 90 seconds
Cooking time: Whatever makes sense, but probably not too much

Ingredients:

• 1/2 package Costco Sweet & Sour Chicken Meatballs (if you wish, you may instead use Costco Buffalo Chicken Meatballs or Costco Teriyaki Chicken Meatballs)
• 1 can pineapple chunks in pineapple juice
• 1/2 pound baby carrots
• 1 bottle K.C. Masterpiece Spiced Caribbean Jerk 30-minute Marinade
• 1 cucumber
• 1 head of lettuce, of whatever type, as long as it doesn't have salmonella

Cooking Instructions:

1. In a fairly large skillet or saucepan, combine the bottle of marinade, half the contents of the can of pineapple (chunks + liquid), and the meatballs. Bring to a soft boil over medium heat, then cover and simmer for some arbitrary amount of time, stirring whenever the thought occurs to you.
2. Using whatever broke-ass knife you have, chop the baby carrots and cucumbers into various three-dimensional shapes that could fit into a sphere of volume 25π/9".
3. Fill each lettuce leaf with some combination of meatballs, carrots/cucumbers, and pineapple, but try not to include too much of the marinade because it's very likely that the meatballs already contain way too much sodium!!! Serve immediately.

Please note that I haven't actually sampled the results of this recipe yet, as it's still cooking. Wait. I haven't checked on the meatballs in like 37 minutes.